Here are some jokes acquired
from around the internet. I saw no copyright information, but if I have
plagiarized anyone, please let me know. There are also jokes
submitted to me and credit is given when an address is available.
If you have a good
Scandinavian joke, please e-mail
Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He had
a puzzled look on his face at he considered the assignment that was due--writing
an essay about his origin. He turned to question his mother. "Mama, vere
did Grandma come from?" he asked. "Da stork brought her,"
answered mama Lena. "And vere did yew come from?" asked Little Ole.
"Da stork brought me," his mother answered. "And vere did I come
from?" Little Ole inquired. "Vell, son, da stork brought yew, tew,"
mama Lena replied. With a scowl on his face, Little Ole picked up his pencil,
turned to his school tablet, and began writing his essay: "Dere have been
no natural births in our family for three yenerations."
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her
nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good
gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas
really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One
evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers. Ole reached over and
patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex
relations?" he asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied
Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis.
They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the
train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?"
Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it
den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired
how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to
svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell,"
Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."
Ole was having eye trouble, so he went to see the optometrist. "Put this
little gadget over your left eye, Ole," said the optometrist. "Now
over the right eye, over the left eye. No, Ole, I said left eye. Now right . . .
No Ole, your right eye!" Completely confused, Ole just looked at the
optometrist. "Now, Ole," the optometrist continued, "just
remember which is your left hand. OK, Ole, cover your right eye . . . No Ole,
that's your left eye!" Finally in exasperation, the optometrist took a
brown paper bag, cut a hole in it, put it over Ole's head, and moved the hole
back and forth from the left eye to the right eye. "Now, Ole," asked
the optometrist, "How is that?" "Vell, Doc, I guess it's all
right," said Ole. "But I vas vishing I could have some wire rims like
A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with the name
Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the
best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in
He asked the old man, How in the world did this place get a name like Hans
Old Man - That's the name of the owner.
Young Man - Who's the owner?
Old Man - I am.
Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Old Man - Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was
standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian.
The lady from Immigration asked him, What is your name? He say "Hans
Olaffsen". Lady ask me, What is your name? I say Sam Ting.
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does
it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "Just a minute," said the
busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll
just take da bus."
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He
said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for
support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in
a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."
Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked,
"Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm
Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a
canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes
tip," explained Lars.
"Ole and Lena were visited by a door to door salesman, Lowell Thompson.
He tried to convince them if they bought the big freezer he was selling, they
would save enough on food bills to pay for the freezer. Ole responded that they
were paying for the house on what they were saving on rent. And they were saving
on movie tickets with the price of cable TV." Finally, Ole said, "And
we're saving on laundry with the new washer and dryer. So, I guess ve have to
say, ve can't afford to save any more right now."
A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian found themselves deserted on a small
island. A Cannibal tribe lived on the island, and they imprisoned the three men.
The cannibals gave each of them a final wish. First they asked the Norwegian.
The Norwegian wanted to see his wife once more. The cannibals went to find the
wife. After he saw his wife, the Norwegian was eaten, and the cannibals made a
canoe out of his skin. The Finn wanted to smoke one more cigarette. He got his
cigarette. After he was finished, he was eaten and his skin was used to make a
canoe. Then came the Swede's turn - he wanted a fork. He started to punch holes
into himself, and yelled: "YOU WON'T MAKE A CANOE OUT OF ME!"
A Swede was in a pub in Norway and a regular customer suggested to
- "I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten
beer bottles on your
head." The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of
the peer pressure. The Norwegian smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head,
then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
- "So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the
- "I am not a total idiot," the Norwegian replied, "then I would
have to give you that $200."
What is a party game played by Swedes?
One Swede goes into a box and the other Swede tries to guess which Swede is in
There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't
quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and
put his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited,
he put more of his money into the machine and received another
sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
- "Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
- "What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win
A Swede was walking down the street with a duck under his arm.
- "Where did you find that monkey?" asked the Norwegian.
- "It happens to be a duck." claimed the Swede.
- "Shut up, Swede! I am talking to the duck."
Q: What is the difference between Swedes and Norwegians?
A: The Swedes have nice neighbors!
A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Swede joke.
The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said, ``He's
Swedish.'' Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and
repeated, ``He's Swedish.'' The bartender finished, ``Now think about whether
you want to tell that joke, because I'm Swedish, too.''
The customer replied, ``I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd have to
explain it three times.''
Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side
of the road for the parade, the Norwegians on the other. Then, the Swedes throw
firecrackers at the Norwegians. Then, the Norwegians light the firecrackers and
throw them back
After traveling through Sweden last summer, I noticed that they had
something written on the bottom of their soft drink bottles, "Åpnas på
andra sidan" (Opens on the other end).
A Swedish space-scientist came running into the office of his
Norwegian colleague. "The Swedes will be the first to send a manned
spaceship to the sun," he said. The Norwegian colleague responded,
"But the temperature will be millions of degrees there!" The Swede
stood there for a few seconds thinking, then he said, "Oh, don't worry, we
will be landing during the night."
A Swedish student was in a bookstore. "This book will do half
the job for you," the clerk said. "Good, I will have two, " the
A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway. Soon a
Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the
load stuck against the ceiling. The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the
air out of the tires. The Swede looked angrily at him, "You moron! The
truck is stuck up on top."
A Norwegian and a Swede were at the movie theatre, and the Norwegian
bet that the hero would die during the movie. The Swede didn't believe him, and
they ended up betting 100 Kroner on it. When the movie was over and the hero was
dead, the Swede began to give the money to the Norwegian, but the Norwegian
interrupted him "I already saw the movie, so I knew he was going to die.
Keep the money." The Swede replied, "oh, I also saw the movie before,
but I didn't think he would be tricked twice."
A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane were arrested in France during the
French revolution. They each got to choose which way they would die. The
Norwegian chose the guillotine, because he saw it as the latest fashion. His
head went under, but the blade stopped 1 inch from his neck. The French saw this
as a sign from God or something and decided to let him go. The same thing
happened to the Dane. Then they asked the Swede how he wanted to die. "I
think I'll die by hanging, that guillotine doesn't work anyway," he said.
The little Swedish kid asked his teacher why the days in the summer
were so much longer. The teacher answered, "Oh, that's because the heat
makes everything expand."
A Swedish road-worker was hired to paint the line that
goes down the center of the road. The first day he managed to paint 2
kilometers, and his boss was very pleased. The next day he only painted 200
meters, but his boss thought that he'd probably started off too hard on the
first day. But on the third day he was only able to paint 20 meters. The boss
called him into the office and demanded an explanation. "Well, you see it's
getting so darn far to walk all the way to the paint bucket," the Swede
There was this group of people on a tour-bus. The guide
on the bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a
Norwegian got up and said that he could tell a Swedish joke. Suddenly a woman in
the back of the bus said, "No, don't do that. I'm Swedish." The guide
looked at her and said, "Oh, that's okay. We'll explain it to you
A Swede was driving along an interstate-highway for the
first time. As he was listening to the radio the music was suddenly interrupted
by a warning message which said that there was a car driving the wrong way on
the highway. "ONE?" the Swede yells out, "there are several
hundred of them out there!"
There was this Swede who once got home and found his
wife in bed with another man. He was so angry that he got a gun and pointed it
to his own head. "NO! Don't do that," his wife begged. "Shut up
woman! You'll be next," the angry Swede replied.
A Norwegian drove into a Swedish gas station, and wanted
some help with his signal lights. After he'd changed the light-bulb, he asked
the Swede to check if it was blinking. The Swede looked at it and said, "funkar,
funkar inte, funkar, funkar inte. " (Works, doesn't work, works, doesn't
"Daddy, I'm pregnant," the daughter said.
"Hey, wait a minute. Are you sure it's yours?" the Swedish father
One foggy night off the southwestern coast of Norway, a
Swedish battle ship received a radio signal in Norwegian telling it to shift
course 10 degrees to the west. The Swedish captain bristled, and replied that
the sender should shift HIS course 10 degrees to the east! Moments later the
reply came telling the Swedish ship to move 10 degrees to the west. "I vil
NOT!" screamed the captain. He turned to the radio operator and yelled,
"Yu tell dat dumb norveegian to shift 10 degrees to da east!" Again
came the reply to the Swede to shift his course 10 degrees to the west. By now
the captain was livid, and he signaled "NOW YU LOOK HERE, I AM A CAPTAIN ON
A SWEDISH BATTLE SHIP, AND I AM TELLING YU TO SHIFT YOUR COURSE 10 DEGREES TO
THE EAST IF YU KNOW VAT'S GOOD FOR YU!" Moments later came the reply:
"Ja, vel I am at the Norveegian lighthouse and you vil shift 10 degrees to
da vest, if yu know vat's good for yu!"
A Swede made a trip to New York and while standing in
front of the Empire State building, he started to count all the floors. A
policeman came by and thought to himself: "That one must be Swedish"
and decided to take advantage of him. He went up to him and said: "Do you
know that it's illegal to count the floors on buildings in the United
States?" The Swede replied: "No sir, I did not." The police
officer then said: "I'm afraid I'll have to charge you $10.00 per floor you
counted." The Swede then said: "Oh, I counted 50 floors sir." The
police officer left, very happy. Then, a Swedish comrad came along and asked
what had just happened. His friend replied: "My, how these Americans are
stupid! I told him that I had counted 50 floors when I had really counted
Then there's the story about the Swede who was building
himself a house. One of his friends came by and asked why the heck he threw away
every second nail? "They have the nail-head in the wrong end", the man
replied. His friend became furious with him and shouted, "How stupid can
you get? Don't you realize that those nails were made to be used on the other
side of the house???"
"I wonder what time it is?" one Norwegian
asked another. "At least it's not 17.00," the other answered,
"because at 17.00 I am supposed to be home, and I am not home now."
There was this Norwegian who was on vacation
'over-there' in Florida. All his life he'd wanted to have a pair of
alligator-shoes, and now he thought he would finally be able to get around to
buying a pair. Gator shoes are of course expensive, and haggling down the price
didn't help. Finally the Norwegian yelled out in anger, In "Just keep
your lousy shoes. If that's how it's going to be then I'll just get myself a
boat, go out into the swamp, catch a gator and make my own shoes!"
The owner of the store just looked stupidly at him, "Yeah, sure, and give
my best regards to the Swedes who're already up there trying to do what you just
told me." The Norwegian runs to a boat-rental and gets a boat, then he
heads out into the swamp.
After a while he finds two Swedes standing up to their knees in the water. Both
of them are holding a spear pointed at the water. That must be the Swedes the
Norwegian thinks. Suddenly there's a movement in the water and an alligator
swims towards one of the Swedes. The Swede is standing there like a statue, just
waiting for the big gator to get closer. When the gator is close by the Swede
sticks his spear into the gator, and with a bit of fighting he get's the beast
onto the land, where there is a big pile of gators. The Swede turns the gator on
his back and examines it's feet, and then finally utters, "Damn! No shoes
on this one either!"
There were these two Swedish hunter-buddies who went to
Norway and bought a bird dog. Later they returned to Sweden to test the
dog, but they were rather disappointed. Finally one of the guys said "We've
been cheated, we might as well just give the dog away." The other Swede
looked back at his buddy, "Yeah, we'll give him one more chance. Throw him
up in the air again, and if he doesn't fly we'll just have to give him away to
Once there was two Norwegian and a Swedish test pilot
who flew a SAAB-JAS fighter plane. Suddenly the plane caught fire and everyone
realize that they'll have to bail out. The problem however seems to be that
there are only two parachutes in the plane. The Swede says, "My intellect
is so big that it can't possibly be lost to mankind. I will take one of the
parachutes." Then he goes and the two Norwegians are left. "What
are we going to do now?" one of them asked? "Well, we'll
just jump. The great intellect grabbed my back-sack."
Two Swedish men go into a lumber yard to buy some 2x4's.
"May I help you", ask the salesman. "How long do you want' em?"
One Swede replies: "Oh, for long time. We're building a house."
A Swede was traveling on the night-train, but he
couldn't find his seat. The conductor asked him if he could approximately
remember where it was. "No," the Swede said, "all I can remember
is that there was a river outside of it."
There was this Swedish teacher who was yelling at his
class because they were so incredibly lazy, "I wouldn't be surprised if 50%
of you flunk this math class," he said. One of the kids put up his hand.
"But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.
Two Swedish men are sitting in a bar watching the eleven
The lead story concerns a woman standing on an eleventh-floor ledge announcing
her intention to jump.
"I'll bet you $25 she doesn't jump." Says first Swede.
The second Swedish takes the bet, but sure enough, the woman jumps.
"I can't take your money", says the bet winner Swedish guy.
"I saw that story on the six o'clock news, so I knew she'd jump".
"No, take it", says first Swedish, "I saw the six o'clock news
but I was sure that this time she wouldn't do it".
About the Swedish Doctor who told his patient:
"It's very important that you take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before
you feel the pain."
About the Swede who was reading the phonebook, "Svenson...
Svenson.. Svenson.. It's incredible how many phones that guy has."
Did you ever hear about the Swede who brought his
binoculars to a funeral where they were going to bury a distant relative of
Did you ever hear about the Swede who was asked if he had lived in Stockholm all
..."Not yet," he answered.
Did you ever hear about the Swede who went ice-fishing...
...and returned home with 10lbs of ice?
Did you hear about the Swede who was asked how often he had sex with his wife?
- "Almost every day..... almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost
Three sailors, a Dane, a Norwegian and a Swede,
shipwreck and wash up on the coast of a Central American country in the middle
of a guerrilla war. Rebel forces capture them, put them on trail, and condemn
them to death as spies. The next morning at dawn, the Dane is put before the
firing squad. As they take aim he shouts, "TIDAL WAVE!!!" The troops
panic, scatter to high ground and the Dane escapes. The Norwegian sailor is
taken out the next morning. Having heard about the Dane from the guards, at the
appropriate time he shouts, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Again the firing squad
panics and he escapes. The Swede, when his turn comes, realizes that the firing
squad will not fall for the same disaster twice, so he shouts
"FIRE!!!" And they do..
Contributed by: "Harald R.
In the old days the Swedes used to drive on the left,
but his caused many tourist accidents. They decided to switch to the right.
Being careful people, they wanted this to go smoothly. So they decided that on
Monday all trucks and buses would start driving on the right. If that went well,
all cars would follow suit the next day.
Contributed by: "Harald R.
Sven came home to his apartment one night, all Upset. "Dat
yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he's made love to every voman in dis building
"Hmmph," said his wife. "Must be that snooty Mrs.Johnson on the
There's a new Norwegian insurance policy.
It's called "My Fault Insurance."
LENA: I voke last night and vas shivering all over.
TINA: Did your teeth chatter?
LENA: I don't know...we haven't slept togedder for years.
Lena likes going to her class reunions. She says it is fun to
see all those old faces and new teeth.
Lena was being interviewed for a job as maid for the very
Mrs. Diamond, who asked her: "Do you have any religious views?"
"No," said Lena, "but I've got some nice pictures of
Our neighbor, Ole, recently had a vasectomy because he
didn't want any
LARS: Have you heard dat dey elected a Pole to be Pope?
SVEN: Ya, it's about time, dose Catlicks have had it long enough.
Ole came home one evening and shot his dog. When his
neighbor asked why, he explained, "Some vun phoned me
up and said my vife was fooling around vith my best friend."
A Norwegian went on an elephant hunt, but had to quit
when he developed a hernia from carrying the decoy.
Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A
Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they
approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He
explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."
Once there was a Norwegian named Ole who took his wife
with him wherever he went so that he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye.
"I need to buy some boards there, Sven."
"How long you want 'em, Ole?"
"Long time. I'm building a house, ya know."
Sven and Ole went out duck hunting, and they worked at
it for a couple hours and finally Sven says:
"I wonder why aren't we getting any ducks, Ole?"
"I don't know. I wonder if we're throwing the dog high enough."
Did you hear about Ole's nephew Torvald who won the gold
medal at the Olympics?
Yeah, he had it bronzed.
So Sven and Ole are walking home from the tavern late at
night and they head down the railroad tracks, and Sven says, "This is the
longest flight of stairs I ever climbed in my life."
And Ole says, "Yeah, it's not the stairs that bother me so much, it's these low
"Hey Sven, how many Swedes does it take to grease a
"I don't know, Ole."
"Only two, if you run them through real slow."
So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the
freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the
freeway on my new car phone."
And Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is
driving the wrong way on the freeway."
And Ole says, "One nut ---- heck, there are hundreds of them!"
So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he
slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and
he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that's growing out of a rock.
And there he is, he's hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him --
certain death -- and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this
bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up there?"
And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I'm here, Ole. It's the Lord,
Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you."
Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up there?"
So, Ole --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For
Sale." But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor
and your combine.
"Yup, and they're boat for sale."
So Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple
hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come the girls aren't friendly to me?"
"Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that
---So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried what you
told me with the potato, but it doesn't help."
"No, Sven --- you're supposed to put the potato in the front."
In the middle of the show, a guy stands up and yells at
the ventriloquist, "HEY!
You've been making jokes about us Norwegian people enough! Cut it out!"
And the ventriloquist says, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!"
And the guy says, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that little guy
sitting on your knee!"
Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was
getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven year itch. She thought he
was cheating on her. Lena says to Ole "You never tell me you love me. Is there
Ole replies "When we got married I told you I loved you. If I ever change my
mind I'll let you know."
The pastor at Sven and Ole's church was giving a rousing
heaven or hell sermon one Sunday. At the end, minister commands "Whoever wants
to go to heaven, stand up." Everyone except Sven and Ole stand. The pastor walks
over to them, looks them directly in the eye and asks "Why don't Sven and Ole
want to go to heaven?"
Sven answers, "Oh, ve vant to go to heaven. But ve taught you were taking a load
up right now and ve aren't ready yet."
A couple was looking through their new home with Ole the
contractor, picking out wall colors for the various rooms. They went into the
living room first, said they'd like to have it in a pale green. Ole wrote
something down on a pad, then went to the window and yelled, "Gren sida oop!"
They went on into the kitchen, where the couple chose a light clay color for the
room. Again the Ole wrote something on a pad, went to the window, and yelled "
Gren sida oop!"
This continued from room to room, upstairs and downstairs - all through the
house until they were finished. Finally, the husband couldn't contain himself
any longer, he had to find out what was going on.
"I'm confused," he said. "Every room we've gone to, we've picked out a
particular room color, you've written on a pad, then gone to the window and
yelled, "Gren sida oop! Now, I know a little Swedish and we didn't choose green
in any room. What's going on?"
"Oh!", said Ole, "I've got Sven out der layin' sod for me."
Sven was buying his first TV. He went into the furniture
shop where Ole worked as a salesman. "I vant to buy that nice TV over dere" Sven
"Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes" Ole said.
Sven was flabbergasted but refused to give up so easily. He bought himself a
very expensive disguise complete with the outfit, the hairstyle and even learned
a new accent. He came back to the furniture shop.
"Hey, man, be cool. I really dig that TV there. How much you want for it, cat?"
Ole didn't pause in his response. "Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes!"
Sven was flabbergasted and more determined than ever. He went to a neighboring
city and bought another disguise and learned another new accent. He came back to
the furniture shop. "Howdy, partner, I'd sure like to purr-chess that TV yonder,
wa-ja say?" Sven asked.
Ole again immediately responded, "Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes!"
Sven stepped back, ripped off his mask, and demanded, "Hey, how in de vurld did
you know I'm a Svede?"
"Vell, first of all, yong man, dat ees a micro vave offen."
Ole came back to work 15 minutes late. The boss noticed
and asked where he had been.
Ole: "Getting a haircut."
Boss: "On company time?"
Ole: "It grew on company time."
Boss: "Not all of it."
Ole: "I didn't get it all cut off."
Sven and Ole are sitting in the boat fishing, and
nothing much is biting, and the conversation chances onto the topic of birth
control, and so Sven says to Ole, "What do you and Lena do for birth control?"
And Ole says "Oh we use the condom and ice cube method".
And Sven says "I've never heard of that Ole, how's it work?"
And Ole says "Oh, well, when I go to put the condom on, I put a couple of those
little ice cubes in first."
And Sven says "Yimminy Ole, isn't that awfully cold?"
And Ole says "Yah sure it is Sven, but it really helps keep the swelling down."
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of
morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There
will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You
must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from
his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning
coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today
and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even
numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez,
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and
the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the
power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena,
"Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the
car in the garage."
One day this Swede walked into town to do some
shopping. On his way home his Norwegian neighbor saw him carrying a
bag. He hurried out to greet him and asked what he had in his bag.
The Swede replied chickens. The Norwegian asked how many he had. the Swede
says if you can guess how many I have I will give you both of them. The
Norwegian replied 3.
Contributed by: Vernon Backlund
A farmer was in town one day and was telling the butcher that he
had a pack of dogs living under his front porch and didn't know how to get rid
The butcher told him to buy five pounds of lutefisk and throw under the porch.
So he bought some before he went home and that night he threw it under the
The next time he was in town the butcher asked him if he got rid of the
dogs. The farmer told him he got up the next morning and looked and the dogs
were gone, and a couple of days later he wanted to make sure they were gone so
he looked under the porch and sure enough the dogs were gone but two Norwegian
families had moved in.
Contributed by: Nelson
Sven and Ole came home to Sven's house one evening and heard noises upstairs. They snuck up the stairs and, peeking in the bedroom door, found
Sven's wife in bed with the mailman. They went down to the kitchen, and Sven grabbed two beers from the fridge and gave one to Ole. Seeing that
Sven was upset, Ole said, "hey, vhat about da postman"? Ole replied, "ah, he can get his own beer".
Contributed by: Arne H. Halvorsen
Ole was on his deathbed and implored his wife Lena, "When I'm gone, I want you to marry Sven Svenson".
"Why Sven Svenson?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all of your life!" "Still do," gasped Ole.Contributed by: Arne H. Halvorsen
When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.
The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"
Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"
Contributed by: Ellen Erdvig
Why do Norwegian men make love on their backs?
Because they are prone to screw up!
Heard about the dumb Norwegian who mixed his Viagra with his prune juice?
Now he doesn't know if he's comming or going!
You know how to break a dumb Norwegian's index finger?
Punch him in the nose!
Contributed by: Ragnar Nilsen
Abortion has caught on so well in Sweden that there's a 10 month waiting
Contributed by: Robert Morrow
Ole and Sven are bungee-jumping one day. Ole says to Sven, "You know, we
could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They
don't have it there" Ole thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money
and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They
travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the
tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had
finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a
So Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Ole
notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Ole isn't able to
catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Ole misses him. Sven falls again
and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple
of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the
cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Sven gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine. It was the
crowd. What the hell is a piñata?
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik Ibsen
Ole comes home unexpectedly at 3:00 in the afternoon.
One morning Ole woke up to find Lena had died. Ole called the
operator. "My wife Lena has died." he said. The operator
said "Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that. We can send over an ambulance
for her. Where do you live?" Ole replied "On Eucalyptus
Street". The operator asked "Can you spell that for
me?" Ole said "No. Why don't I just haul her down
to Oak St?"
Contributed by: Jaynine09@aol.com
OLE & LENA'S HONEYMOON
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik
A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Swede reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used dere arms."
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik
The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years later the Norwegians invented the hole in it.
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik
VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more."
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik
THE PRANK CALL
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. "Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here" he says and hangs up. "Who vas dat?" asks Lena. "I donno, some damn fool wanting to know if da coast was clear.
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik
Did you hear about the dumb Norwegian who competed at the Olympics?
He entered the Javelin Catching event!
Contributed by: Ragnar Nilsen
Ole and Sven
were standing on a bridge fishing in the river below. Suddenly Sven sees in
the distance a funeral procession coming. Sven reels in turns toward the
road places his fish pole over his shoulder and stands at attention until it
had gone past. Ole says why Sven that was such a respectful thing to do I am
really proud of you for doing it. Sven said yes, Ole, but you do know I was
married to that woman for 35 years.
Ole and the Vacuum Salesman
Ole drives around town looking for cheaper gas
prices. After awhile he gives up and decides to stop in
on Sven at the Super America gas station. Ole says to
Sven, "Hey Sven, do you have any gasoline specials dis
veek?" Sven responds, "By golly Ole we do have one. You
fill da tank up and guess the number I have here in my
head that is between one and ten and if you are right,
you get free sex." Ole gets excited and runs out to fill
his tank. "O.K. Sven, I have a tank full and ready for
ya number guessing and free sex." "O.K. Ole guess the
number right here in my head between vun and ten and you
get free sex" says Sven. Ole looks deep into Sven's eyes
and shouts "Seven"! Sven says, "Oh, Ole, you were so
close, the number was Eight." Ole leaves and decides he
was so close that he would drive around town long enough
to fill up his car again and try for the free sex number
thing. He runs his car almost out of gas after 5 hours
of driving around town. He fills up at Sven's station
and proudly says, "Sven, I am ready to try it again -
dat number thing and free sex." "O.K. Ole I have the
number right here in my head between vun and ten. You
guess it right and you get free sex". Ole looks deep
into Sven's eyes and says, "TWO". Sven looks at the
ceiling in amazement but says to Ole, "Oh you were so
close. Dat number vas THREE." Ole leaves mad. On his way
home he pulls into Lars' house. He tells Lars how he
tried dat number game then says to Lars, "You know that
Sven's got a real scam going dere. He can change dat
number in his head anytime he wants. It is a scam and no
one can get free sex wid dat Sven's scam." "Oh," Lars
responds, " dat ain't no scam Ole. I sent Lila down dere
yester day and she won TWICE!" Contributed by:
Phil Hegg (100%
Norwegian man wants a
A Norwegian man wants a job, but the foreman
doesn't want to hire him and decides to make the
Norwegian pass a "math" test. "Here's your first
question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat is easy."
and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make
nine," says the Norwegian
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time the number
The Norwegian stares into space for awhile, then picks
up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge
on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do
you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and
dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually
have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "all right,
last question. Same rules again, but represent the
The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he picks
up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base
of each of the three trees and says, "Ere you go. One
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you
think that represents a hundred!" (Thought you'd like
The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at
the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along
and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a
turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,
which makes one hundred... So, when I start?!"
Our own Barbara Johnson
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant
about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and
they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by
mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a
straight face, but I think you misunderstood the
instructions I gave you yesterday........
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
I heard once about a Norwegian feller named Ole who
lived way up there in northern Minnesota, somewhere real
close to the Wisconsin border, I guess. After years and
years of farming, he decided to put the farm up for
sale. He called a realtor in town, who told him he
would come out to the farm to help set a price and fill
out all the paperwork. When Ole met with the realtor,
among the many details to take care of, the realtor told
Ole "we'll need to get a survey of the farm" and when
everything is ready, I'll be back for some final
paperwork. When the time came, the realtor guy called up
Ole to set up a time to visit and get that last
paperwork stuff all done. As they were chatting on the
phone, the realtor happened to mention the survey
and said to Ole, "You know, something funny happened
here, when the survey and the legal description came
back, it said that you actually live in Wisconsin. Hah,
and to think that all this time we thought your property
was in Minnesota. Don't that just beat all?", to which
Ole replied "Really? Well, I tink maybe I von't sell
the farm after all, ya know. It was dose doggone cold
Minnesota vinters I was trying to get avay from." Contributed by:
A Hot Day in Greenbay
Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near
Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven
says to Ole,"Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little
budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop,
get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of
some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot
drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on
his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole
shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy,
dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to
the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag
in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a
parrot from the bag and throws himself over the
edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the
gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until
he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never
trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two
friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a
paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it
over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was
Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute
parrotshooting .. and now Lars, hengliding ..."
Dats all. Dere ain't no more! Contributed by:
I really enjoyed your Norwegian Joke page. Being
Norwegian (3rd generation and never been to
Norway) I’ve told some of them myself.
I want to share a couple of real Norwegian
stories that I think you might enjoy.
My father’s mother (Nana) was born in Norway and
immigrated in about 1900. She soon learned
English (in a Norsk fashion) and she told me I
vashed you yeans and sood dem tooo. So jou can
Yoost vear dem now. I said thank you Nana, but
they’re jeans not yeans, can’t you say the sound
of J? She said JES I can!
Another family story is when my mother was
engaged to my father, she was meeting all the
relatives at a Christmas party. She was a very
proper young lady and wanted to make a good
impression on every one there. My uncle told her
that most of the people there only spoke
Norwegian and when they say to her (sp) Goot
Yule, that means Merry Christmas and you should
smile at them and say (sp?) Oxen Lordt! ( I’m
sure you know what I’m trying to say). Well
being a typical Norwegian family, my mother was
instantly loved and accepted into the family.
When I was 5 years old, I thought my name was
Uff Da. When I was 10, I thought it was
The hardest 3 years in a Norwegian’s life is the
Did you hear about the little Norwegian boy who
had to take off his shoes and drop his pants to
count to 21.
Thanx again Larry, Got dog
Evensen (good Irish name, ya?)
Thanks Dave, Larry
Minnesota Ghost Recently
This happened about a month ago just outside of
Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota,
and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's
real, or so they say.
This out of state traveler was on the side of the road,
hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a
Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining
so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his
face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching
and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and
silently crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and
closed the door; only then did he realize that there was
nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be
heard over the rain.
Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was
terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and
The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve
and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray
and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost
car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he
would surely drown!
But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at
the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the
steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the
window and the hitchhiker was alone again!
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear
every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared
to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of
the car and ran and ran, into town, into Willmar .
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice
quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told
everybody about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when
he realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not
just some drunk).
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar
and one says to the other,-- "Look Ole, ders dat idiot
dat rode in our car when we wuz
pushin it in the rain. "
Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin who needs a new
He hears about a nice one for sale over in
Saskatchewan, so he drives to Saskatchewan,
looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if
she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised, so he looks at the farmer
who's selling the cow, then reaches under the
cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls,
and the cow farts again. But milk comes out, so
after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the
cow and takes it home.
He calls his neighbor, Sven, over and says, "Hey
Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust
bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow
farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "I bet you
bought dis cow in Saskatchewan, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dat's
right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Saskatchewan"
Contributed by: Joe Lanier
Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when
Sven pulled out a cigar Finding he had
no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he
replied. Then reaching into his tackle
box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking
the huge Bic lighter in his hands "Vhere
dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?"
"Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle
box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure
enough, out pops the genie. Addressing
the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a
good friend of your master. Vill you
grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million
bucks. The genie disappears back into
the tackle box leaving Sven sitting
there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled
with the sound of a million ducks...
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven
yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked
for a million bucks, not a million
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew
dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew
really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Ole & Lars come to US
When the immigrants began to flow in
to our fledgling country, we needed to
have methods to insure that these people
would help build it to the great nation
it is today. To do this they had a quota
system on people, and the numbers were
controlled with skilled proffessions
that people must have to enter this
country. When Ole and Lars came, they
were screened for their professions.
Lars went through first and then Ole.
The screener asked Ole what he did in
Norway for an occupation. Ole replied
that he worked in a ladies undervear
factory. The official said "I don't know
Ole, that isn't a high skill profession
that we are looking for."
Ole snapped "Vell you let Lars go right
The official said "He had a technical
position, called a diesel fitter."
Ole was all put out and he said "Ya, all
he does is hold up da ladies undervear
and says wedder or not deese'll fit
A Norwegian man wanted a job, but the
foreman wasn't too keen to hire him.
He told the Norwegian that first he
would have to pass a math test.
The Norwegian agreed.
"Here's your first question, the foreman
said. "Without using numbers, represent
the number nine."
"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat's
easy." and proceeded to draw a picture
of three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and
tree make nine," said the Norwegian.
"Fair enough," said the foreman, while
thinking to himself that he had been
outsmarted. "Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this
time the number is 99."
The Norwegian stares into space for
awhile, then picks up the picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on
each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says,
"How on earth do you figure that to
"Vell, each of dose trees is dirty now.
So, it's dirty tree, dirty tree, and
dirty tree, and dat is 99."
The foreman is now worried that he's
actually going to have to hire this
Norwegian, so he says, "all right, last
question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100.
"The Norwegian stares into space some
more, then he picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of
each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must
be nuts if you think that represents a
(Think you'll like this one)
The Norwegian leans forward and points
to the marks at the base of each tree
and says, "A little dog came along and
crap by each tree. So now you got dirty
tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd,
and dirty tree and a turd, which makes
one hundred.....So, when I start?!"
Contributed by: Gladys Everson Henrik
and a couple of one liners.
A Norwegian, Swede, Dane and a Finn
were transported to a deserted Island as
a Physiological/Sociological experiment.
After a year the scientists return.
As they approach the Island, the
Norwegian was fishing,
The Swede has established a government,
the Dane has established a farm...
and the Finn was still drunk.
Have you heard about the dumb Swede; he
spent the whole day staring at a can of
frozen orange juice because it said
How about the dumb Norwegian truck
driver who took his holiday in England
so he could get the other arm sun
Ole and Lena met on the boat as they
proceeded to a new life in America and
soon fell in love. After clearing
customs they went to City Hall to get a
marriage license. Since neither one of
them spoke much English one of the
secretaries helped them fill out the
The lady asked Lena "What's your
nationality?" Lena said "I yust come
over from da old country and don't
unnerstand nationality. Vat's dat?"
The lady said "Well you are tall and
blond and definitely have a Scandinavian
accent. Don't you have a little Swede in
Lena blushed and said "
"Yah dat damned Ole, he yust couldn't
Hall - Minnesota born and raised.
Pastors Sven & Ole
Reverend Ole was the pastor of
the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and
Pastor Sven was the minister of the
Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
I saw them yesterday standing by the
road, pounding a sign into the ground,
"Da End iss Near!
Turn Yourself Aroundt
Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver
leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave
us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve we heard screeching tires
and a big splash...
Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks,
"Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust
say 'Da Bridge is Out'?"
Ole was on his death bed, The doctor
had told Lena he wouldn't last the
night. and he might as well die at home
on his own bed. After a while Ole's
eyes flickered open and he sniffed the
air and muttered Lefsa oh Lefsa. He
worked his way to the edge of the bed
and slipped to the floor. Sniffing
the air and muttering Lefsa he crawled
to the stairs and half climbed half fell
downstairs. Oh Lefsa he crawled to the
kitchen door. There he saw Lena
standing at the stove cooking Lefsa with
a stack of finished ones on the table.
He crawled to the table and painfully
pulled himself up on a chair murmuring
Lefsa. He was reaching out for one
when Lena turned and saw him. She
smacked his hand with the spatula and
said "Now Ole stop that those are for
after the funeral".
" Swede " Anderson
So Ole won the door prize at Sons of
Norway a while back. It was a brand new
toilet brush that the Ace hardware had
donated. Ole was really happy about
winning, he talked about it all night.
Said he never had ever won anything
before. He took it home and tried it out
right away and he give it a good trial.
But after a couple weeks he figured he'd
go back to using paper.
" Swede " Anderson
A reporter was walking in the 0lympic
grounds in Beijing. He saw a rather tall
blond man carrying a long pole towards
the track practice fields. He asked him,
are you a pole vaulter? The man
replied. no I'm Norvigian, but how did
you know my name is Valter?
" Swede " Anderson
was on his death bed.....again.
So. Ole was on his death bed. The
doctor had told the family nothing could
be done for him so he was at home. The
family was gathered around the bed. Ole
opened his eyes and looked all around
the room.. He murmured , Lena is Lena
here? She took his hand and said yes Ole
I'm right here. The kids Are the kids
here? yeah pop we're here, yes dad we're
all here. And my brother and his kids?
Yes said Ragnar we are all hear with
you. So says Ole if you're all in here,
vay is the light still on in the
" Swede " Anderson
Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern
Minnesota . It vas springtime, and da
lakes vas yust beginning to thaw.
Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across
da frozen lake to da yeneral store to
get him some smokes. She asked him for
some money, but he told her, 'Nah, yust
put it on our tab'.
So she valked across, got da smokes at
da yeneral store, den valked back home
across da lake. Ven she got home and
gave Ole his smokes, she asked him,
'Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up
da tab at da store.
Why didn't you yust give me some
Ole replied, 'Vell, I didn't vant to
send you out dere vit any money ven I
vasn't sure how tick the ice
Ole lived across the Minnesota River
from Clarence Bunsen, whom he didn't
like at all.
They were yelling across the river at
each other all the time. Ole would yell
to Clarence, "if I had a vay to cross
dis river, I'd come over dere an beat
you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by
This went on for years.
Finally, the state built a bridge across
the river right there by their houses.
Ole's wife, Lena, says, "now is your
chance, Ole. Vhy don't you go over dere
and beat up dat Clarence like you said
Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I
vill do yust dat!"
Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a
sign on the bridge and stopped to read
it, then turned around and came back
Lena asked, "vhy did you come back?"
Ole said, "Lena, I tink I changed my
mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence.
You know, vhen I yell at him from across
the river he don't look so big. But dey
put a sign on da bridge dat says
"Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in."
Contributed by: Gladys
Lars and Tena invited a well-to-do Uncle for
dinner. Little Arnie looked him over and finally
approached the old Uncle with a request.
"Uncle Knute . . . vill you make a noise like a
frog for me?" said Arnie. "Vy in da vorld do you
vant me to make a noise like a frog?" exclaimed
"Because," said Arnie, "Papa says ve are going
to get a lot of money ven you croak!"
long to live
Lars was in bad shape. He was constantly out of
breath and his eyes bulged out.
He finally went to the doctor and was told he
probably didn't have long to live. So Lars
decided to enjoy the time he had left and bought
a new suit and shirt.
The clerk suggested a size 16 collar, but Lars
insisted on a size 14 because, as he said, "I
alvays vear size 14."
The clerk answered, "Well, I'll get you a 14,
but I must warn you, when you have a collar that
small, it makes you short of breath and your
eyes bulge out."
Ole died. The
regular pastor of the Lutheran Church was on vacation, so a neighboring one came
to do the service. Before the funeral, the minister found Lena to ask her a
little about Ole so to get to know him better. He gathered some information then
asked: "Do you happen to know what Ole's last words were before he died?" Lena
thought for a moment then replied: "Lena, put down that gun!"
Ole the portrait artist
Ole, while not a
brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew...and soon people
from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.
One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman,
and she asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time
anyone had made this request of Ole. The woman said money was no object; she was
willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked
the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena , his
In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha.
I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a
place to wipe my brushes."
Two Norvegians drinking
Two Norvegians are drinking at da Arrow Bar in Weston, WI.
Ole says, 'Did you know dat lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?'
'Darn!' says Sven. "I jus joined da Elks."
Ole and Lars are two
Norwegians working at the local sawmill. One day Ole slips and his arm gets
caught and severed by the big bench saw. Lars quickly puts the limb in a plastic
bag and rushes it and Ole to the local hospital. Next day, Lars goes to the
hospital and asks after Ole. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Lars couldn't believe it, but here's Ole out the back exercising his now
reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. Couple of
days go by and then Ole slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw
thing. So Lars puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Ole off to
hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The
nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising." And sure enough, here's
Ole out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Ole comes back to
work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs
his head. Wearily Lars puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Ole
to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Ole is. The nurse breaks
down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Lars is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
''No," says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he
Minnesota Furniture Dealer
Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Brainerd MN, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line
that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he
decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his
wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other
chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very
beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French
(which Ole couldn't understand ), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited
her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his
language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he
took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She
nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the
table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with
food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that
featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which
he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and
they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing
up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the
Two Norwegian hunters
Two Norwegian hunters
from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane
could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot
six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as
yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on
full power, the little plane couldn't handle the l oad and went down a few
moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other,
"Any idea where we are?" "Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed
Ole had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say,
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Ole responded, "Vell,
I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into
the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Ole
said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the
road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him
to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested
in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say
about his favorite mule, Bessie." Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell
as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer
and vas driving her down the highway ven this huge semi-truck and trailer ran
the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one
ditch and Bessie vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't
vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took
out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the
road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now vat
the hell vould you say?"
Sven and Ole got a job
putting in telephone poles. After the first day, they were talking to the
foreman. The forman asked how many poles they had put in.
"Two" said Ole.
"Only TWO?" Said the foreman, "All the other crews put in eight to ten."
"Yah!" Said Ole, "But did you see how much dey left sticking out?"
Ole and Lena at Church
Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and
taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he
went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat
a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole
leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford,
and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said,
"Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he
reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas
driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice
already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across
the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her
blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He
shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat
are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink
to have a good time!"
Sven came home from work
early one day and
Lena asks, "Sven, you're home from work early.
Sven replies, "Vell, I got my ting caught in da pickle slicer."
"Oh no!", says Lena, "Let me see your ting".
So Sven shows her his ting and everyting is fine.
"Sven, your ting is just fine, what happened to da pickle slicer?"
Says Sven, "Oh dey fired her too."
Sven and Ole are on their
snowmobiles racing across the lake. Ole breaks through the ice and sinks to the
Sven goes to the edge of the ice and he sees Ole pulling and pulling on the
starting rope. Sven yells,
"Ole, you have to open the choke first!"
Ole's Talking Dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of Wisconsin and he sees a sign in front
of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell
and Ole appears and tells him dat the dog is in da backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at
all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and
world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided
to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered
some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Ole what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' Ole says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Dat's because he's a liar. He never did any of dat stuff.'
A contestant Lars, on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
plateau. If he answered the next question correctly, he would win $1,000,000. If
he answered incorrectly, he would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as he suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, "Which
of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays
its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture"
Lars was on the spot. He did not know the answer. He had used up his 50/50
Lifeline and his Ask the Audience Lifeline.. All that remained was his
Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. He hoped he would not have to use it because . . . His
friend was, well, Ole - not the sharpest nail in the bin. But he had no
alternative. He called Ole and gave him the question and the four choices.
Ole responded unhesitatingly: "Dat's easy. Da answer is C: da cuckoo."
Lars had to make a decision and make it fast. He considered employing a reverse
strategy and giving any answer except the one that Ole had given him. And
considering his friend was not the smartest Norwegian, that would seem to be the
logical thing to do. But his friend had responded with such confidence, such
certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
Crossing his fingers, Lars said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer."
"That answer is Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, Lars hosted a party for his family and friends, including Ole,
who had helped him win the million dollars.
"Ole, I just do not know how to thank you," said Lars. "How did you happen to
know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said Ole. "Everybody knows dat da cuckoos don't build nests. Day
live in da clocks."
At the gates of Heaven
Two guys, Ole and Sven, are standing
at the gates of heaven.
Trying to be friendly, Ole asks Sven, "So, how did you get here?"
Sven replies, "Hypothermia, how about you?"
"Well, "Ole said, "I vas sure my wife Lena vas cheating on me, so one day I came
home early to catch her in da act. I searched da whole house, but dare vas no
one dare. I felt so bad about da whole ting dat I had a massive heart attack."
"Oh great, "said Sven, "If you vould've checked da freezer ve vould both be
Lady next door
One day Ole was home
alone when the lady next door came over. "Ole, she said, would you please do me
a favor and take off my blouse for me?"
Ole's face got a little red but he obliged her. "Now Ole would you please take
off my skirt for me?"
Once again Ole obliged her. "Ok Ole take off my panties and bra."
Ole took the last two items off and tossed them aside his face now burning. She
looked Ole in the eyes and said.
"And don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"
A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane
A Norwegian, a Swede and
a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They
all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out.
Five minutes later the Norwegian stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all
the pigs ran out.
Sven and Ole were talking
one afternoon when Sven tells Ole, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a
vacation. Only dis year I'm a gonna do it a little different. Da last few years,
I took your advice about where to go."
"T'ree years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Lena got
"Den two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Lena got pregnant
"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Lena didn't get pregnant again."
Ole asked Sven, "So, what ya gonna do dis year dat's so different?"
And Sven says, "Dis year I'm taking Lena with me!"
Ole was driving home after picking up some lutefisk & got
caught in a really bad hailstorm. His car, a blue AMC Pacer, was covered with
dents, so the next day he took it to a repair shop in Boyceville. Sven, the shop
owner, decided to have some fun...He told Ole to go home and blow into the tail
pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out. So, Ole went home, got down on
his hands & knees & started blowing into the tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So he
blew a little harder, & still nothing happened. Lena saw him & asked, 'Vat are
you doing?' Ole told her how the repairman had instructed him to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Lena rolled her eyes & said,
'Ole, you need to roll up da vindows first.”
Lifted from Restauration Lodge 3-555 Newsletter the Slooper
One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota.
The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the
Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help
to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house;
it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat der
baseball cap a floatin' away from da house, den back again?"
Lena said, "Oh yeah, dats my husband Ole; I tole dat lazy-such and such he
vasgonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!!!!
Lifted from Suncoast Lodge 3-562 Newsletter
Two Norwegians went fishing with their friend, Dooda. they
drifted to close to the dam and the boat dropped over the edge. the Norwegians
could swim, but Dooda drowned. they had to think of a way to tell his wife, so
they came up to Dooda's wife and one burst out singing "Guess who drowned at the
lake today, Dooda, Dooda...
Contributed by: Cassie Fureby
Those Norwegians are so romantic that it warms the heart and
tickles ones soles........Ya ????
Ole & Lena lived by lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter and da lake
had froze over.
Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to
get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, Nah, yust
put it on our tab.
So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da yeneral store, den walked back home
across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, Ole,
you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?
Ole replied, Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I
vasn't sure how tick the ice vas yet.
Contributed by: My Friend Juan Lara
If You Gotta Go, Start
Ole Olsen of Minnesota asked his wife Lena to write
about campground facilities for a vacation. Lena being a prude and not wanting
to write “toilet,” thought of the old-fashioned term “bathroom commode.”
Thinking even that might be too forward, Lena shortened it to “B.C.”
The campground owner, not being old-fashioned at all, was stumped by the B.C.
business in the letter. After much deliberation, he figured she must be asking
for the location of the local Baptist church. So he sent her the following
A week or 2 later she received this reply and read it to Ole.
“I have the pleasure of informing you that the B.C. is
located six miles north of the campground. It is capable of seating 250 people
at one time. I will admit that is quite a distance away if you are in the habit
of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number
of people take a lunch and make a day of it.
“The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that
we had to stand up the whole time. Right now, there is a supper planned to raise
money for more seats. It will be held in the basement of the B.C. It pains me
that I am not able to go more regularly, but it is not for a lack of desire on
my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in
“If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you
the first time, sit with you and introduce you to all the folks. This is a
Ole said "It sounds like fun". Lena fainted!
Contributed by: Rusty & Fran Anderson
Ole hunting Geese
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He
leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck
would have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked the gun over, it went off, and Ole
took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was
his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are
going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal
damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asks Ole.
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your
pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic
"Not rxactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony
Orchestra, and because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach
you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."
Contributed by: John Wood
A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced
the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Minnesota customer grabbed the hood and pulled
it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared,
looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too
afraid to speak.
Then, one old Norwegian named Ole’ from Minnesota tentatively raised his hand
and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you"
Contributed by: Gladys Everson
Two Norwegians on Lake
One day two Minnesotans, Ole and Sven, found themselves
adrift in a lifeboat on Lake Superior. While rummaging through the boat's
provisions, Ole stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and suddenly, a genie came forth. This Genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without thinking, or consulting Sven, Ole immediately
blurted out, 'turn the entire lake into Schmidt beer'.
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening sound, and immediately Lake
Superior turned into Schmidt beer and just as quickly the genie vanished.
Now only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two
men considered their new circumstances.
Sven looked disgustedly at Ole whose wish had been granted, and after a long
tension-filled moment, Sven said, "Nice going Ole!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Norwegian vs Swedes
Swedish prime minister has only 2 kids and is afraid to
have a third one, because he knows that every third person on the planet is
Contributed by: Sergey Kunkov
Just a little bit
Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the
stairway to heaven.
God says, "There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It's very serious up there. I'll
tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."
So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke,
Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other
On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and
goes to straight to hell.
On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn't laugh and
proceeds to the gate.
Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, "What are you laughing
Ole replies, "Oh dat's funny. I yust got da first yoke!"
Contributed from Garborg Lodge Newsletter February 2016
Question: Why wasn't Jesus born in Norway?
Answer: They could not find three wise men to the East.
Contributed by: Tom
Sven & Ole went out on the ice with an auger and fishing
gear. They started to drill a hole to fish through. Suddenly a voice boomed out,
"There are no fish under the ice there!". Sven & Ole picked up the auger and
buckets and moved about 20 feet to the left and started to drill again. "There
are no fish under the ice there!", the voice boomed again. So they picked
everything up one more time, moved about 10 feet to the left, and started again.
The voice, exasperated, filled the air with, "For the last time! There are no
fish under the ice there!" Sven dropped to his knees looked up at the sky and
asked, "Is that you, God?"
"No, I'm the Minnesota Wild announcer. There are no fish under the ice here at
the Xcel Energy Center hockey rink !"
If you have a good Scandinavian joke,
please e-mail me.
Last modified February 2017
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